love letter for Jesus <3

18 Jun

this letter was written by a boy who joined the SHDR few days ago. i was really touched when tante jane read this letter. i even shed my tears. the words are very touching and it’s real from deep down of his heart. after SHDR finished, the words keep playing in my mind, and i tried to figure out if someone’s going to type the letter and publish it. and ta-daaa!! i found it in RECHARGE June edition, lucky me 😀 it’s really worth reading peeps!! read it till the end~

Dear Jesus,

I don’t know why I write this letter, but somehow I think I really have to write this. Even I don’t know how to make a decent prologue, but You see, the need to talk to You is stronger. It’s been so hard for me to see You nowadays, and talking to You perhaps is the hardest thing I could do.

You know that these whole two months have been really tough for me. It’s not about the sudden business I have (well, it is) but to see You and to spare my time with You is the real hard work I have to go through. At this point of my life, I have to admit that I’m in my most distant point from You. I try to come and see You everyday, but I get so much tired that I have to cut my quality time with You. Even I have to stay awake when I talk to You, but still I couldn’t trick the sleepy-state I have when I get tired. I try to feel Your presence (I need to feel Your presence) but most of this time, I can’t even focus my mind to find You.

It’s not only You who feel alone and being left, I do too. Almost everyday I wake up and have my fight, trying to not to lose You and return to my old self. I know it’s impossible to win it alone, but how can I ask for Your help if the fight itself is about winning You over myself, while most of the time myself wins? When I see people shout praises about You, about how they proud to have God like You, I could only stand still and hold my tears. I was once standing in their place where praises flowing through my heart, where worship comes to no end. I was once the one who brought You to my family, testified about how great You are, and helped them accepting You until this time. But now I feel like I’ve become someone else. I pray, I praise, I worship but none of these comes from my heart. I start returning to my old self, and to see me like this brings pain to my heart, while deep down inside, I know I nail Your heart.

More than once, I even think about quitting the ministry (that is, if what I do can be called ministry), but thanks to You, Your love is way too real that it makes me rethink twice (or even thrice). People do have their fights, right? It is their choice to surrender and lose, but most of the time, they choose to keep fighting. I do too have my fight (not an easy one), but since the thing I try to win over is Your love, I consider this fight to be worthy.

Ever remember ho we met? That was the best time I’ve had in my life. The way You poured me with so much affection, the way You held my heart, the way You told me not to worry all those things that made me realized who I am. I never knew who I was, or who I was supposed to be before I met You. I was walking, but I didn’t even know my direction. I was captivated in my comfort zone without even realize that I was living dead there. Then You came and proposed me to live a brand new life. I began to see the world as a real different place to live. You taught me how people’s smile could bright me up and with You, life is indeed beautiful.

I’ve had my first chapter with You and it was a real good one, so I’m not telling it end, at least not now. Maybe there are times when things go unwell between us, but I do know there are also unlimited chances to recover things up. So I beg You and take one chance of this time. Will You forgive me? I want to start it all over again, even if it means that I have to start it from the bottom of the beginnings. I care nothing about what people think about me, I care nothing about what they say (even if there are people who read this letter). One thing I know, I write this letter for You, between me and You, about things that are impossible for me to say these days. I want You to know, deep down from my heart, that I love You.

Praises, gratitude, and love,

Your son, best friend, disciples, anyone You want me to be

Kevin Chrisanta

PS: on the next few days, i found out that he is a medical student from our univ. i saw him on the streetside. looked like he was going to cross the street. hahaha. what a coincidence!!

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